Carrying My Cross
MEZZO-SOPRANO, ALTO SAX, VIOLA | 7’ | DIFFICULTY - HARD | 2019
Recording coming soon…
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Carrying My Cross is a poem written by my wife, Maria, about her past dealings with scrupulosity. As defined by the International OCD Foundation, scrupulosity is, "A form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine."
In attempt to help Maria work through her hardship, I suggested we collaborate on a new piece of music. Sometimes in creating a new work of art, you unearth much about yourself. Because scrupulosity isn't often talked about (nor found in much poetry elsewhere), we also felt it a perfect opportunity to bring this illness more to light.
Her poem encompasses loneliness, desperation, need for reassurance, confusion, pain — all of which can fall under the umbrella of anxiety. We agreed the music ought to reflect the erratic, unpredictable nature of anxiety, as well. But, there's also a sense of acceptance and determination to push through the challenges.
OCD is often mistaken in casual conversation, or presented solely as someone's uncomplicated desire for organization. However, it can truly be a massive weight on someone's shoulders. It can take many forms, too — whereas some may be able to combat their OCD through faith and spiritual life, faith and spiritual life is at the very core of scrupulosity. Ultimately, we hope that Carrying My Cross provides awareness that OCD and anxiety doesn't pick and choose. It has the capability to make spiritual, otherwise serene individuals absolutely terrified.
Commissioned and Premiered by Megan Ihnen, Alan Theisen, and Michael Hall.